Depression is keeping me apathetic about my health.
First time poster, long time lurker. I honestly never thought I would be posting here but I have run out of ideas. I apologize for the length but I thought context would help.
TLDR: I recently found out that my blood pressure and blood glucose are way too high (I'm 27) and even though I watched my mom struggle with her health for years, my depression tricks me into thinking I don't care about my health and the future.
I have been battling depression since I was 12 -13 and fighting weight gain for just as long. It is incredibly easy for me to gain weight, and even when I was really young I was always chubby. My mom was always a normal weight, ate relatively healthy and exercised on a regular basis. We relied on each other for exercise and she kept an eye on my portion sizes. My mom was my best friend.
She was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer at age 38. I was only 8 at the time, but I knew to an extent that the situation was serious because of my parents' reactions. My mom was a badass and did everything she needed to do to survive over the next 10 years. For at least 5 of those years she was in remission. But it meant endless rounds of chemo, lumpectomy, mastectomy, radiation, surgery to remove part of her lung when the cancer had metastasized. She was able to fight off everything that had come her way, until one night she had a seizure. The next day we learned that it had moved to her brain and there were too many lesions to consider surgery as an option. She wanted to start radiation right away without even thinking twice. She lived for 2 more years, saw me off to prom, and watched me graduate high school.
I commuted to a local college, and by the end of my first semester freshman year, she had passed away peacefully at home under hospice care. My dad grieved by running away and going on trips. I was over 18 so in his eyes I was able to fend for myself. Luckily, I was, but survived on fast food. He doesn't eat much at all, so the cabinets and fridge would basically be empty. I don't enjoy cooking at all, but I am able to make basic things. Within 6 months or so I had already put on 30lbs.
I knew my depression was getting worse, and there was a day where I pulled my car into the garage and sat there idling with the door open for maybe an hour (I tend to lose track of time when my depression gets that low). I just wanted to close the door and not have to deal with the loss anymore. I have one best friend and my older brother, and thankfully that day I chose to reach out instead of attempt suicide.
The following years consisted of me going on antidepressants, going to therapy, and yo-yo dieting. In 2013 my weight was 172lbs after a particularly intense few months of working out most days and eating 2 meals a day. Physically, I was feeling good. My depression symptoms were still there, and my anxiety was at an all time high. Eventually I stopped beating myself up to go to the gym since my only motivation at the time had been to lose enough weight to get one person in particular to commit to a relationship.
Fast forward to 2015, I was up to 240lbs, which is about 30lbs more than when I first lost weight through diet and exercise. Since then I have lost and gained that 30 lbs over and over again. Today I am pushing 250lbs. The thing that triggered this post is a doctor's appointment I had last week. This is the second appointment where I had high blood pressure ("stroke range" high as the doctor put it), and my fasting blood glucose is in the prediabetic range. I know that I should be concerned about this and made an appointment with a specialist like she recommended, but I went right back to overeating the same day.
Depression is something that is recurring in my life independent of what number is on the scale. I decided to dedicate myself to finding a medication and therapy schedule that would help me last year and it ended up only working to an extent. I have now tried every SSRI and SNRI (antidepressants) on the market. Beyond that, there really isn't another way to treat depression other than inpatient programs which would take me away from work and my education. I am on a low dose of an antidepressant that helps a little, but I have been researching for months to find a decent psychiatrist with availability in the area with no luck.
With my physical health I view myself as being at a crossroads, I could either be a type 2 diabetic in my 30's, or I could prevent it. The part that I can't get passed is that this is not lighting a fire under me. I am still not changing my habits, still not motivated to buy healthier foods and prep healthier meals. I watched my mom fight for her life all while she taught me the things that I should be doing to lower my cancer risk.
I obviously need a healthier relationship with food but I honestly can't stand the taste of most vegetables and have been a horribly picky eater my whole life. I don't enjoy cooking, and there are times when recipes make me flat-out anxious. Another thing that makes my situation more difficult is that I don't have an oven in my apartment. I have 2 stove-top burners, a microwave and an instant pot knockoff. I tried 2 different smoothies from the subscription service Daily Harvest and essentially just choked them down because they cost so much $$$.
What do I do next? How do you get around your depression when it makes you apathetic about your own health? I want to lose weight but I don't want to mentally berate myself to do so. I know in the future I will regret not changing my lifestyle today. I already think about how I'm letting my mom down every day.
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/bdju6r/depression_is_keeping_me_apathetic_about_my_health/
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